My Plans Destroyed; My Fears Confronted

Tomorrow is Isaiah’s surgery. Friday I came down sick. Bad combination.

If you’ve had surgery before, or if a loved one has had surgery you know that one is not supposed to be sick prior. It is for this reason that we usually try to semi-quarantine Isaiah the week before surgery, keeping him away from  nose-pickers, and little humans who cough without covering their mouths and eat food off of the floor. On top of this, on a scale of 1-10 of people who are hyper-vigilant about germs, I’m at least a 13. So of course I get sick Friday. Blah.

A year ago my orthodoxy had me convinced that I shouldn’t confess the weakness of my heart when it comes to trusting the Lord in these kinds of situations. I know that we’re not supposed to doubt God, that everything God does is perfect and right, without a doubt. So therefore I pretended like the groanings of my heart weren’t really there and forced a smile. But I’m a sinner…saved, but still a sinner, and why should I seek to hide the things that God knows are there already?

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying it’s right to doubt God, or that it’s right to be frustrated with what he’s ordained. I’m simply being honest. In my weakness, I doubt, fear, and question. “How can this be right?” I ask. “How is it that me getting sick now is the best thing for our family and brings the most glory to God?” It doesn’t seem right to me. Certainly, this is not the way I would have planned it, and that is evident by the copious amounts of hand sanitizer I have used these past two weeks. It is evident in the fact that I got the flu shot the first day it was available. It is evident in the amount of vitamin C I’ve taken, elderberry extract and echinacea I’ve swallowed and zinc lozenges I’ve sucked on. My plans were to stay healthy. God’s were not.

So I’m sick; hacking, coughing, wheezing, sneezing, etc. I’ve taken every precaution and I’m still sick, and now that I’m sick I’m taking every caution to not get Isaiah sick by keeping my distance, covering my face with a rag when I cough and washing my hands like a pharisee. I take  necessary precautions, because I believe the Lord gives us common sense to be careful and wise in such situations, but ultimately I should not trust in these things.

“Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.” – Psalm 20:7

I all too often trust in my horses, in the strength of my earthly precautions and powers. I’m tempted to think and say “I’ve got this.” But the Lord says to me, “No, I’ve got this.” No amount of herbal extract can ward of the sovereign hand of the Lord.  His ways are right, though mysterious, and far beyond my understanding. Yes, there is a part of me that fears right now, but there is also the confidence that God is doing something here that I cannot see, even if it’s merely to yank me off of my chariot and cause me to rest in him.